Three card brag is a simple form of poker.
You get three cards only.
And these you can't change.
If you don't look at them, you're a blind man,
you only put in half the stake.
Three of any kind is the highest,
but the odds are 450-1 against getting any three.
Then there's a running flush, all the same suit, all in order,
then a straight and a flush and a pair,
and finally, whatever the highest card you've got.
Now, there are some telltale signs that can help,
but they took me long enough to learn so I'm not telling you.
They can only help a player, not make one.
So, d'you wanna play?
Let's sort the buyers from the spiers
and those who trust me from the ones who don't.
If you can't see value here,
you're not shopping, you're shoplifting.
You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight,
Israelites, Fanny by the gaslight.
Take a bag, come on. I took one home last night -
cost more than ten pound, I can tell you.
Anyone like jewellery? Look at that one.
Hand-made in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney.
It's as long as my arm, not like something else.
Don't think 'cause these boxes are sealed, they're empty.
0nly the undertaker sells empty boxes.
By the look of you lot, I'd make more money with my tape-measure.
Here, one price, ten pound.
- Did you say ten pound? - Are you deaf?
Bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in. Left leg, right leg.
They call it walking.
You want one, darling? That's it, they're waking up.
Treat the wife - treat somebody else's wife.
It's more fun if you don't get caught.
You want one? Show me a bit of life, then.
It's no good standing like one o'clock half struck.
These are not stolen - they're just not paid for.
Can't get 'em again, they've changed the locks.
Can't come back - I'll have sold out.
[Punter] Nice bit of stuff.
"Too late" will be the cry when the bargains pass you by.
If you've no money on you,
you'll cry tears big as 0ctober cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers!
# So I said I'm on the roam So I need a car
# And I know that I'm getting alive
# And I say I got faith in a season #
'Ed can hustle a few quid here and there.
'But his real talent lies in cards -
'and gambling with cards.
'Bacon could see that his days
'of selling moody goods on street corners are numbered.
'It's time to move on and he knows it.'
- Six foot one, that's perfect. - You're catching up with me.
What you talking about? I'm bloody skinny, pal.
'Course you are. All right, Ed?
Nick the Greek, a pleasure. Tom, what have you eaten?
- I was telling him... - Enough!
You two, join me in my office.
So how much is it, Tom?
You know how much, Nick.
- And that includes the amp? - No.
That does not include the amp.
Shit, Tom. I thought it included the amp.
It doesn't. I'll throw in one of these telephones,
but it does not include the amp.
Very nice.
I hope it includes the speakers.
It doesn't include the speakers or the amp.
It's not supposed to include me getting the hump
with your questions. You want it, you buy it.
What else do I get?
A gold-plated Rolls Royce, if you pay for it.
Don't know, Tom. Seems expensive.
Seems... this seems to be a waste of my time.
That is 900 nicker in any shop,
and you're complaining about 200?
What school of finance did you study?
It's a deal, it's a steal.
It's the sale of the fucking century.
In fact, I'll keep it.
All right, keep your alans on.
Here's a ton.
[Both] Jesus Christ!
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that.
You're haggling over 100 pound.
What d'you do when you're not buying stereos -
finance revolutions?
£100 is still £100.
Not when the price is £200.
Not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.
Tighter than a duck's butt!
Let me feel the fibre of your fabric.
'The skinny one is Tom.
'He's the entrepreneur of the bunch.
'He's got a couple of dirty fingers
'in a couple of dirty pies.
'Nick, however, has made it his business
'to have all 20 fat fingers and toes
'in every dirty, bent and stolen pie in London.'
'Between them, there ain't much you can't get hold of.'
That's my 25 grand.
It took me a long time to earn, so treat it with respect.
What about the chef?
What've you come as?
Cupid, stupid.
That's the last time I get fruit off you, Tom.
There was more small armoured things in it than fruit.
You should open a butchers, not a grocers.
If you order stuff from Kathmandu,
don't be surprised if it picks up a few tourists.
Anyway, enough. Where's the money?
Keep your fingers out of my soup!
'Soap is called Soap
'because he keeps his hands clean of unlawful behaviour.
'He's proud of his job and more proud it's legal.
'He represents the more sensible side of the four.'
Are you sure you can afford 25?
It depends how you look at it.
I can afford it if I see it again.
Got the rest from the fat man and Bacon?
Fat man, Bacon and myself.
Looks like it's time to call Harry.
Who's this fat man, eh?
Sandwich, Bacon?
'It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.
'The amount of money has to be 100 grand upwards
'and there's no shortage of punters.
'This is the man who decides whether you can play -
'Harry, or as some, including himself, like to say,
'Hatchet Harry.'
You got it all?
100 grand.
If you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind...
- What's this Eddie like? - He's a fucking thief!
'Harry has a colleague, a monster of a man,
'Barry the Baptist.
'He got his name by drowning people for Hatchet.
- Fucking pay. - I'll pay!
'Barry makes sure
'the administrative side of the business runs harmoniously.'
The boy's got a rare ability.
He seems to make cards transparent. He's got...
All right, we can say he's good.
No, he's better than good. He's a fucking liability.
Hold on, what do you think of these?
- We're selling hundreds. - Very nice, Harry.
What's it for?
Don't play innocent, Bazza. Spanking!
There's 25 from me, Tom, Soap and yourself.
100 grand to the pound. Why the fuck are you counting it?
Because I like to.
A reasonable return should be about 120 grand.
For 25 grand invested, going on experience.
Going on optimism.
Whatever - it'll be enough to send you on a cooking course.
You're not funny, Tom. You're fat -
and look as though you should be, but you're not.
Fat! Who you calling... Jesus!
It's good here, innit? Handy for the tube,
great electrics - I can see why you moved in.
Don't knock it, it's "cheep", like the budgie.
Nobody wants to live next to the people we live next to.
- Anti-social to say the least. - What d'you mean?
He means they're thieving bastards.
When they're not picking peanuts out of poop,
they rip off unfortunate souls of their drugs.
Not exactly thick, these walls.
Nice work, John. Get yourself a drink.
Is that it?
How many times do I have to tell you, Plank?
Find a job worth doing, you'll find your share improving.
Have you got a problem with that?
# Police and thieves in the street
# Fighting the nation with their guns and ammunition #
Charles, this gear is getting heavier.
I've a suspicion we should have been rocket scientists or...
Nobel Peace Prize winners... something.
Peace Prize? Be lucky to find your penis for a piss -
the amount you smoke.
[Door buzzer]
Who the hell's that?
All right, Willie?
Does it look like I am? Take this.
I'm in danger of breaking a sweat any second.
< Charles, why've we got that cage?
Security.
That's right. Security.
What's the point in having it if we're not gonna fucking use it?
I would've used it, Winston, but this is Willie.
- And Willie lives here. - Yes, Charles.
But you didn't know it was until you opened the door.
Chill, Winston. It's me.
Charlie knows it's me, what's the problem?
The problem is, Willie, Charles and yourself
are not the quickest cats at the best of times.
So do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked!
- What is that? - That's Gloria.
I know that's Gloria. What's that?
Fertiliser.
You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter.
You come back with a semi-conscious Gloria
and a bag of fertiliser.
Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
We need fertiliser, Winston.
We also need a money counter.
This money's gotta be out by Thursday.
I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it.
If you do have to buy sodding fertiliser,
could you be a little more subtle?
What do you mean?
We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
Yeah.
And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertiliser.
You don't look your average horti-fucking-culturalist.
That's what I mean, Willie.
# "The Boss" by James Brown
# Paid the cost to be the boss
# I paid the cost to be the boss #
- How long's he been in there? - About... 20 minutes.
- Is he on his own? - Yeah, carrying a bag.
Let's pay him a visit, shall we?
'Big Chris settles debts for Harry.
'The only thing he cares more about than unsettled debts
'is his son and heir, Little Chris.'
# Look at me
# Know what you see
# See a bad mother #
This is one of them... high-powered jobs, innit?
Aaagh!
I've got some bad news for you, John.
What the fuck!
Mind your language in front of the boy.
Jesus Christ!
That includes blasphemy. Now tell me, John,
how can you concentrate on improving this tan -
and it is a lovely tan -
when you've got more pressing priorities at hand?
Tell Harry...
Did I say speak? And it's Mr Harry to you.
Now, don't disappoint me, choose your words very carefully.
You may now...
speak.
Tell Harry, I mean Mr Harry,
I've been busy, I'm nearly there.
Check his locker, son.
I don't suppose there's a chance of you lifting this up, Chris?
He's not poor! He's got over a monkey in his wallet!
Fuckin' hell, John, you go round with that in your pocket?
Use language like that again, you'll wish you hadn't!
Sorry, Dad.
Right. Put the rest of the stuff in that.
You can go home in a plastic bag tonight.
You owe what you owe.
By the time this tan's faded you wanna have paid.
- You never would've paid. - Who would pay for shit?
Exactly. We had to...
What the hell are you doing here?
What's up?
Let me guess, my foot in your arse.
Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?
You're supposed to be getting your rest in, boy.
You playing cards tonight, son?
With Harry?
Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't have anything to do with that.
[Harry] Where'd he get a hundred grand?
He's got adhesive mates - like brothers.
They've tossed up between 'em.
And JD, his dad, owns the whole property?
No mortgage, no debts.
Lock, stock - the fucking lot.
Don't worry, Harry. I've got it under control.
Good. You can get this under control now.
It seems Lord Appleton Smythe has run out of money.
These little beauties are up for auction.
I'm not paying a quarter of a million quid for 'em.
If you know what I mean, Barry.
Make sure we get everything from the gun cabinet.
I don't care who you use,
as long as they're not complete muppets.
And don't tell 'em what they're worth, Barry.
# "Spooky" by Dusty Springfield
# In the cool of the evening
# When everything is getting kinda groovy #
Right, where was we?
[Liverpool accent] Shotguns... guns that fire shots?
You must be the brains.
That's right, guns that fire shots.
Make sure you bring everything from the gun cabinet.
There'll be a load of old guns. That's all I want.
Everything else outside the cabinet, you can keep.
Thank you very much.
There'd better be something there for us.
It's a fucking stately home,
of course there'll be something there.
- Like what? - Like fucking antiques.
Antiques! What the fuck do we know about antiques?
- We rob post offices. - We steal cars.
What the fuck do we know about antiques, mate?
If it looks old, it's worth money - simple.
Stop fucking moaning and rob the place.
Who's the guv? Who are we doing this for?
You're doing it for me - is all you need to know.
You know because you need to know.
I see. 0ne of those "need to know basis" things.
Like one of those James Bond films.
Careful, remember who's giving you this job.
Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done.
< Ta-da.
Fucking northern monkeys.
I hate these fucking southern fairies.
'Ed has been playing cards since he could lift 'em up.
'He soon discovered he had a big advantage.
'It's not that he's good at cards,
'or even good at counting them.
'It's that he's good at reading people's reactions
'no matter how subtle.
'Everybody has reactions.
[Knock at door]
'Especially when it comes to money.'
# Love is kind of crazy
# With a spooky little boy like you #
- Invitations. - Invitations?
Yeah, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.
We got 100,000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on.
Will that do?
Just you. The others can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's? You mean the pub? Hold on...
Hold on to your tongue and I'll hold on to my patience.
No one in here tonight but card players - no one.
Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.
Bit dramatic, innit?
Is it supposed to be symbolic?
Apparently it's for security.
I'd have brought my gloves if I'd have known.
You must be Eddy, JD's son.
You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
Never mind, son, you might meet him if you carry on like that.
Evening, Tanya. Been a while.
All right, Ed.
[Screaming]
We call each other Kenny, 0K, Gary?
All right, Kenny.
You gonna put your stocking on?
I spent 120 quid on my hair -
I'm not pulling a sock over it.
You have to put something on.
Three card brag, gentlemen.
Three 3s are highest, then three aces,
then running down accordingly.
Then it's a running flush, a run, a flush and then a pair.
An open man can't see a blind man.
It will cost twice the ante to see your opponent.
Don't fuck around, fellas.
You know the rules. You know I won't stand for it.
Can I have three of your most refreshing drinks, please.
- How comes we end up in here? - I don't think I mind.
[TV blares]
You got that TV loud enough, mate?
Leave it out, Bacon. He looks like a loon.
[Clock chimes]
What are you doing? Put that back.
We're here to rob the guns.
Put it back - it's crap anyway.
Come on.
800.
D'you like that, did you, son?
When my knees stop knocking, I'll live with it.
400, blind.
Listen, ladies, this is cards. Men play cards.
If you wanna talk soft, go to the fucking hairdressers.
So shut it and play.
I'll fold.
1,000. 0pen.
What sort of pub is this?
It's a Samoan pub.
What's that?
It's a cocktail - you asked for a cocktail.
I asked you to give me a refreshing drink.
I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest.
You could fall in love with an orangutan in that.
You want a pint, go to the pub.
[Television blaring]
I thought this was a pub.
It's a Samoan pub.
Can you get your man to turn the TV down?
Ask him if you like. I'd leave him well alone.
Get rid of that. Bring us a Diet Coke.
'Scuse me, can you turn that TV down?
No.
0ooh!
2,000.
2,000, blind.
You what?
Two grand blind? You been eating too much British beef.
You're bonkers. Mad.
[Harry] Well, you gonna play?
Fuckin' right I'm gonna play.
Three grand, dare.
4,000's an open man. You know that.
You do know how to play, Donald?
The reason I've only put in half is I don't know what I've got.
Now, you play or you fold.
Fold.
Fold? Is that the only word they taught you at school?
No, they also taught me the word "cunt".
[Wailing]
Whoa, whoa, Kenny!
What are you doing?
I am trying to find out where they keep their money!
You twat. Can't you see they've got no money?
They can't even afford new furniture.
We've got the guns. What's the matter?
Every time we do a job, you burn people's feet.
What's wrong with you?
You wanna be more careful, old fella. You nearly took
my man's head off with that.
You all right, Kenny?
Kenny?
Ten grand, blind.
Twenty grand, open.
Deep end, eh?
Fold.
[Barry] Gotcha!
Twenty grand, open.
I fold.
Don't spend that all at once, boy.
[Ringing]
Bloody 'ell!
What?
You said there'd be no staff, Barry.
Did you get those guns?
You wanna see what they did to poor Gary!
Gary, Gary!
I said, did you get those guns?
Yes, we got them!
Good. I'll speak to you later.
Fuckin' scouse cunts.
Gary, if you can hear me,
get back in the car now, mate.
Barry... Barry!
Fucking, sodding, shandy-drinking bastard!
# "Liar Liar" by The Castaways
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer than a telephone wire
# Been out all night Know you've been bad
# Don't tell me different I know it's a lie
# Come to me, honey See how I cry
# Why must you hurt me? Do what you do?
# Listen here, girl Can't you see I love you?
# Make a little effort Try to be true
# I will be happy Not so blue
# Liar liar, pants on fire
# Your nose is longer than a telephone wire
# You keep on telling me those lies
# Still going out with other guys #
Give me my money! You fucking slags!
Give me my money!
Give me back my money!
Give it back!
Wankers! Wankers!
Come on, you. Not now, please.
You fucking bastard!
Fuck... you bastard.
[Barry] 0h, my good God!
We'll take you to the cleaners!
Twenty grand open.
Thirty thousand.
Back to you, Ready Eddie.
Fifty grand.
Eighty grand.
0ne hundred grand.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, fellas, I know...
I know you're not in,
which means no one cares what you know.
Two hundred and fifty.
That's quite a raise.
That's one hundred and fifty on my one hundred.
Yeah. Is there anything else you want to say?
As you know, this puts us in an awkward position.
I don't have enough to continue.
We'll have to see your cards if no one loans Eddie the money.
It's a loan or we see both your cards.
I will.
You will what?
I will loan you the money.
No, I think I'd rather just turn 'em over.
I'm not interested in what you would rather.
I wanna keep going.
I'm also offering you the money.
We don't have to turn 'em over because you can borrow.
I need two hundred and fifty grand.
No, you need five hundred grand to see me.
That's if I wanna see you.
You're gonna have a problem carrying on, ain't ya?
I'll see you.
For half a million?
Unless you're gonna accept twenty quid.
You've still got a sense of humour.
It's not monkey-nuts, son. You can still fold.
I'll see you.
0K, before I loan you this, I expect -
if you lose, of course -
my money back within a week.
Crystal? That's Sunday, 0K?
Is that it?
Now let's see his fucking cards.
# "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by The Stooges
# So messed up I want you here
# In my room I want you here
# Now we're gonna be face to face
# And I'll lay right down in my favourite place
# And now I wanna be your dog
# And now I wanna be your dog #
[Retching]
# Well, come on! #
Hello, boy. Feeling a bit poorly?
I know your friends
are responsible for most of the cash...
so I'm gonna give you one week to find it.
0therwise I will take a finger
off each of you and your friends' hands
for every day that passes without payment.
When you've run out of digits -
your dad's bar, and who knows what then.
All right, my son?
# "Why Did You Do It?" By Stretch
# I've been thinking about what you have done to me
# The damage is much deeper than you'll ever see
# Hit me like a hammer to my head #
This doesn't look good.
'He explained the unfortunate position they were in.
'Harry would start sizing up all their fingers in a week.
'He knew there was no way Ed could settle that debt alone.
'Harry saw it as their money on the table,
'so it was their debt off the table.
'Ed could've kissed the old bastard for that.
'Lf he said he wanted to settle the debt on his own,
'it would have been a lie.'
I wish he would've let me settle it.
- I'm gonna kill him! - Stop fucking about.
Think about what we're gonna do. Sit down.
What's all the fuss about Harry?
Why don't we boycott the payment?
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry.
[Bacon] This geezer, Smithy Robinson, worked for Harry.
It was rumoured that he was on the take.
Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation.
Smithy didn't do a very good job.
Within a minute...
Harry's lost his rag.
Reached out for the nearest thing at hand -
which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber cock.
He then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it.
That was seen as a pleasant way to go.
Hence Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
Don't worry, I'll think of something.
# I've been thinking about what you have done to me
# Images much deeper than you'll ever see
# Hit me like a hammer to my head
# I wonder were you pushed or were you led?
# Why did you do it?
# Why did you do that thing to me? #
Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk.
Winston Churchill said that.
I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.
And I got bigger teeth than you two.
[Moaning]
I think our friend is trying to tell us something.
0r should I take another swing to make sure?
Give me a five iron, John.
Certainly, Dog.
Now, keep still.
Is there something you'd like to tell us?
- The fireplace. - Shut it, you idiot...
You were saying?
It's in the fireplace. Pull it out. It's in the bottom.
It's in the fireplace, Frank.
Pull it out. It's in the bottom.
Dog, I think you want to have a look at this!
You gonna let me down now?
No, I'm not finished with you yet.
Steel.
Help! Help!
0h, Dog.
[Television on]
[Door buzzer]
Who the hell's that? It's only 12 o'clock.
Use the cage, that's what it's there for.
Who is it?
We have got security for a reason, Willie.
Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.
This weed's getting quite a rep, fellas.
Easy.
Jesus!
Never saw you there.
Hello, love, enjoying yourself?
Is she compos?
What do you think?
Boo!
Fuck me!
Clean that up, Charles.
Sod you, you clean it up.
Sorry, fellas, that stupid cow scared the life out of me!
Never mind. Can you just sit down, stay out the way?
How much is it you want?
I'm... after an half weight.
That's 1,500. Pass the scales, Willie.
Give us some gear, J.
Any chance of actually seeing the... money?
The odds are 100-1.
All we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rockin' horse.
Those odds are 100-1 for a good reason, Bacon - it won't win!
- Where's Eddie? - Where do you think?
The bottom of a bottle, has been for two days.
- It's hit him hard. - It's hit us all hard!
He's got to tell his dad he's about to lose his bar.
Listen to this one.
You start a company - "Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club".
- You what? - Put an advert in a gay mag,
advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos.
You sell it with...
"Does what no other dildo can do until now.
"The latest and greatest in sexual technology.
"Guaranteed results." All that bollocks.
These dils cost 25 quid a pop -
a snip for the pleasure they'll give the recipients.
They send their cheques to the other company name.
Not offensive, "Bobby's Bits" or something, for 25 quid.
You stick it in the bank until it clears.
This is the smart bit.
You send back the cheque for 25 pound
from the other company name -
"Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club" - saying we're sorry,
we couldn't get supplies from America - they ran out of stock.
You see how many people cash that cheque.
Not a single soul.
Who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse?
How long do you have to wait for a return?
< Probably no more than four weeks.
What good is that if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.
All right, I got one.
Look, he set us up,
which means he put money in.
Which means he expects money out.
Don't have to be an economist to work that out.
He may know we smoke a lot, burn a bit of profit,
but he can't have any idea
how much hard currency we've accumulated.
I don't know. Do you know?
We can just... slice it off the top.
You guys have got to realise who this chap is.
He might look a bit silly, but he's a fucking lunatic.
If he gets an inkling we're not throwing straight dice,
we're gonna know
what the sharp side of a kebab knife feels like.
Yeah, but we're in this for the cash however it comes.
So you know these geezers well?
[Plank] Well enough - I bought gear off 'em for years.
- What they like, then? - Poofs! Nothing heavy.
Four public school boys, soft as shite.
And you keep all the money.
I've heard some stupid fuckin' ideas
but yours makes Bacon's sound inspired.
[Plank] They ponce around in hippy clothes all day
talking bollocks - they're just good at growing weed.
Business got bigger than what they can handle.
[Dog] They can't all be stupid.
They got a container load of cash in shoe boxes,
they sell class A gear -
someone sensible must be involved.
What about security?
[Plank] There's a gate they never lock.
What d'you mean never lock? Why've they got it, then?
I must've been there 50 times - it's never locked.
They're not suspicious. Everyone that goes there's a toff.
They're into that karma crap -
"I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me."
No way they can get back to you?
They'd be too scared - I'm a geezer.
Got no muscle - gutless faggots.
Fancy one?
If you're so fuckin' clever,
why don't you come up with a suggestion?
Look, I'm thinking, all right? I am thinking.
We're gonna be here all night, then.
Is Big Chris on his way?
He should be here any minute.
I think you're making a big mistake, Harry.
That is a lot of money for Chris to be after.
Who the fuck are you to question my judgement?
What d'you know about Big Chris, eh?
Put Big Chris on a job and he will get it done no matter what.
His dad used to collect debts, and his dad before that.
And that monster of a boy will after he's gone.
'The Almighty himself
'requested them to collect debts for eternity,
'and not to fear knockin' on 0ld Nick's door himself
'if he was behind on his payment.
'And he's never nicked a nicker in his life.'
Straight as an arrow and strong as the bow that fired it.
If you dropped a tenner, he'd search till he found you.
'There is a problem, he isn't stable.
'Heaven protect anybody who touches that boy.
'Not that that boy needs protecting.'
What's all the flapping? You told the old man yet?
Hoping I won't need to.
I've got a plan. Listen carefully.
- Hello, boys. - Harry.
Do you want a drink?
Hello, my son. D'you want a lolly?
Piss off, you nonce.
0i, watch it!
No, thanks, Harry. We're both all right.
Nice shooter.
0ne of a pair - Holland and Holland.
D'you wanna hold it?
Not my thing, thanks, Harry.
Business good? I imagine that's why I'm here.
Four young fellas got in deeper than they could handle.
They owe me half a million pound.
- How much? - Half a million.
Well, what d'you want us to do about it?
Hit the fuckers.
I know it sounds a bit strong,
but it's not as if we're doing anything illegal.
I dunno how you reached that conclusion.
They can't report they've had their drugs and money nicked.
- How heavy are they? - Don't look all that.
Hitler didn't look all that.
All right, but we are in the soup here
and this is a silver spoon.
And it's not as if we've got all the time in the world. Dig?
I'm game.
Me too.
0h, God!
Right. We hit 'em as soon as they come back.
We'll be prepared. Waiting.
And they're armed.
What was that? Armed?
What d'you mean armed? Armed with what?
Bad breath, colourful language, feather duster?
What do you think they'll be armed with?
Guns, you tit!
You never said anything about guns.
A minute ago, this was the safest job in the world.
Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia!
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
- I've thought about that and... - And what, exactly?
All we have to do is find out who's carrying 'em.
They could all be carrying 'em for what we know.
No. 0nly one of 'em carries them going to the job.
I assume the same one will carry 'em back.
< You assume?
What is it - assumption is the brother of all fuck-ups?
It's the mother of all fuck-ups!
Brother, mother, any other sucker.
It don't make any difference.
They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!
Soap, if you have a better idea how to get £500,000
in the next few days, let us know.
In the meantime, Tom,
talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed.
- Weed? - No, it's not normal weed.
It's fucked-up skunk, Class A,
"I can't think let alone move" shit.
Doesn't sound very good to me.
Neither me - depends what flicks your switch.
The light is on and burning brightly for the masses.
Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.
Rory Breaker.
The madman with an afro? I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to. Just get me a sample.
No can do.
What's that - a place near Kathmandu?
Meet me half-way, mate.
It's all completely chicken soup.
- It's what? - It's kosher... as Christmas.
Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Never mind that. I'm gonna need some artillery.
Coupla sawn-off shotguns.
A bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon.
Who d'you think I am?
I think you're Nick the Greek.
Hold those two.
I don't normally have anything to do with weed.
But if it is what he says,
I'll take it off him for three and a half grand a key.
If it is what he says.
I don't want to see it after a sample,
I don't want to touch it after a sample.
I'll leave you in the capable hands of Nathan here.
He'll sort out the details.
Just let me tell you one thing...
If the milk turns out to be sour,
I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it.
D'you know what I mean?
Rory Breaker.
I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated.
He's a funny-looking fucker, I know.
You've got to look past the hair and cute cuddly thing.
It's a deceptive façade.
A few nights ago his roger iron busted.
He's gone down the battle cruiser to watch the football.
No one's watching the custard, so he switches the channel.
A fat geezer's north opens.
He wanders up and turns the Liza over.
"Fuck off and watch it somewhere else."
He knows claret is imminent,
but he doesn't want to miss the game.
Calm as a coma, picks up the fire extinguisher,
walks past the jam rolls ready for action
and plonks it outside the entrance.
He orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly
in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer.
"That's fucking it," says the geezer.
"That's fucking what?" Says Rory.
He gobs out a mouthful of booze, covering Fatty.
He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest
and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe.
Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game.
His team's won, too. Four nil.
0i! Is your hair supposed to look like that?
- All right, short stuff. - Never mind short stuff.
Next time we do a job like this, we want more money.
0r we're going back to post offices. Fuck that!
Where's the others?
There was no others.
Stop fucking around. The others - the old ones.
I don't know what you mean.
There were two old guns. Where are they now?
Not in the cabinet.
There were some old hammer-lock muskets the butler was carrying.
- They were ours. We sold them. - Unsell them!
We had to sell them. We needed the money.
I am not fucking interested.
If you don't wanna be counting the fingers you haven't got,
or sharing a bed with the Antichrist,
I want those guns. Quick!
All right, Barry.
Calm down. We'll get them, all right?
Now fuck off, you scouse cunts.
[Greek music]
Jesus! If I pick 'em up, will they stay in one piece?
Where'd you get them?
I got contacts. Listen, Tom -
you point them at me, I'll shit myself or do whatever you say.
Either way, you get the desired effect.
They look very nice, I agree.
They're lacking in criminal credibility, ain't they?
I might get laughed at. How much d'you want for these?
700 each.
What - a pound for every year they been about?
They're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices.
Bit long, ain't they?
Sawn-offs are out.
People want a bit more range these days.
Range? I don't wanna blow the arse out of this country,
but I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry either.
I want to look... fucking mean.
0f course you'll look mean.
You'll look really scary.
Enough. What about this geezer who sells drugs?
Rory Breaker's standing by.
You stand to make a lot of money, tubby Tommy.
< I understand this has come as a shock.
Let me tell you how this can be resolved
by you, the good father.
Go on.
- He likes your bar. - Yes.
He wants your bar.
And?
D'you want me to draw you a picture?
Look, that boy doesn't know his arsehole from his earhole.
This is my bar. It's got nothing to do with him.
What, and I care?
Remember, you have the luxurious advantage
of being able to sustain your son's life.
You do have a reputation -
so I'll choose my words very carefully.
You tell Harry to go fuck himself.
Whew...
Careful, JD, you'll give Harry another heart attack.
Now...
I'll put that down to shock.
0nly once.
0nly once can I, or shall I, let you get away with that.
Your son's got three days to find half a mill.
Make up your mind which you prefer -
your bar... or your son.
[Plank] There's nothin' to worry about, it's easy.
[Dog] No such thing as easy in my experience.
If you think it's gonna be easy, you're a prick.
It might be easier than most, but it's not gonna be easy.
[Feedback]
What's that idiot doing next door?
Right, we use your van.
There's stairs up to this place so we'll stick out.
Plank goes in first.
There's a cage, but it's never locked, is it, Plank?
- Never. - It don't wanna be.
0nce he's set, he gets the rest of us in.
We'll get nasty, shit 'em up, gag 'em, whatever.
These wankers shouldn't give us any problems.
Like any cowboys - there'll be a few tools lying around.
When the job's done, we come straight back here and unload.
And Robert's your father's brother.
Everyone savvy?
[All] Sweet.
[Dog] We'll do it tomorrow at eight.
These slags like to lie in bed till midday.
Lowest ebb and all that. That's the way I like it.
Jesus!
Don't worry, we can manage this.
And what do you want me to do?
I don't know. Turn up and look mean.
What d'you mean, look mean?
You know, growl a bit.
Just look as if you know what you're doing.
I can do better than that.
Have a look at these.
What are we supposed to do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ!
If you think I'm turning up clean-shaven
and greet them with a grin, you've got another thing coming.
These fellas are your neighbours.
I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves.
Right... er, good thinking, Soap. Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
What do you mean weapons?
These.
Jesus!
Let's keep 'em covered up.
Couldn't you get anything bigger?
What, like that?
What d'you think?
I think you need help.
Bar steward, can we have a coupla drinks, please.
Have you seen your dad?
Hatchet sent one of his men round.
0h, shit. When?
Crazy.
A good few years ago, your dad and Harry played brag together.
Now, JD is a better player but Harry is a shit and a cheat.
This game went on for two days, until your dad lost everything.
But Harry wanted more. He wanted to put your dad deep in debt,
so he plays on and on until the stakes are a joke.
Harry's got some scam goin' on,
wants to put JD in trouble for years.
Harry turns over and he's got next to unbeatable cards.
Everyone falls over 'cause they all hate Harry.
JD starts to weep, it's a real mess.
Harry starts laughin', cheerin', doin' a little jig
and he turns JD's cards over.
JD by this time is cryin' proper tears,
this is next to pathetic.
We see the cards, he's got three threes, the best possible cards!
And the only time I have ever seen them.
JD continues to cry, but now it doesn't seem so pathetic.
Harry... he's had a heart attack!
JD bought this place with the profits
and he's never played cards since.
Harry's been looking to get revenge for all those years.
You've just given him his cue.
If Harry don't kill you, your father will.
He is not a happy chappy, Ed.
[Phone rings]
Yes?
It's happening tomorrow morning.
No fuckin' about, Ed, get back here now.
Where'd you get these, a fucking museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope.
I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick.
These are gonna do more harm than good.
Jesus, Tom. Do these work?
I don't know. Look nice, though. I rather like 'em.
That's top of priorities, that is.
Ladies, back to more important issues, if you don't mind.
We've only got two real guns - apparently that's what they are.
So we find a good place to hide next door.
We wait till it's the right time, then jack-in-the-box,
look nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em in gaffer tape, nick their van,
swap the gear into the new van and bring it back.
As long as we're out of our hiding places quickly,
it's the last thing you'd expect.
If Tom or anyone else feels like giving 'em a kicking,
I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody.
If you know what I mean.
Also, I think knives are a good idea.
Big, fuck-off shiny ones.
0nes that look like they could skin a crocodile.
Knives are good because they don't make any noise.
The less noise they make, the more likely we are to use 'em.
Shit 'em right up.
Makes it look like we're serious.
Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past.
Come on, girls.
Where the fuck are they going? Shift a piano?
I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Where'd they get those outfits?
Not a bad idea, that.
Come on, you fucking jellyheads, move it!
You've been up two hours, you should've got somewhere.
The money and the gear's gotta be out by 12.
[Door buzzer]
Who's that?
Don't open the door until you've used that cage. I'm serious.
Find out who it is first.
Hello, can I help you?
All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?
No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.
Perhaps you can help.
Perhaps I can't, if you know what I mean.
If you could open the door so I could talk without shouting.
I can't help you, Plank.
You'll find it's in your interest.
Hold on, 0K?
Willie, it's Plank for you. He says it's in our interest.
I don't care if it's King-fucking-Kong,
he's not coming in here, not today.
Hold on. We are in business and... correct me if I'm wrong
but that is business.
Corrected. That's a walking accident we can do without.
Jesus. He's 0K... He knows only to buy weights now.
We're looking at at least a couple of thou'.
What do you think, Winston?
This is the last time. All right?
You and the money are going out the back.
If he knows you're here, he'll be all day.
Just clear this shit up!
What, now?
Yes! Now! Just get rid of him quick.
All right. Just coming.
What the fuck is he doing?
Come on, I can't wait out here all day!
[Jake] Just coming.
I thought you was gonna leave me out there all day.
I didn't know you were a removals man, Plank.
Lives and learns, don't ya? Keep the gates locked now?
Ya, sorry. Gotta do business like this now.
Can't be too careful these days.
I know.
Say a word, the right ear goes, another, your left!
- What are you doing, Plank? - What do you think?
Hang on, what are you doing?
Unlock the gate! Unlock the fucking gate!
That's it. Go, go, go! Fucking move!
What the fuck's going on?
Hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked.
I don't believe the fucking gate's locked.
What you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him. He passed out.
Shut the door! D'you want the world to see?
[Door slams, shouting]
What's going on down there?
Shit!
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.